Leaping forward

I am remarkably calm this evening.

This was not my state of being for the past 10+ years, especially not prior to any change in my routine. Any little diversion outside of my comfort zone would send me into a tailspin. Back then, I clutched at the routine as if my life depended on it and if anyone dared to inject some interruption, I would immediately fall to pieces.

I was really unhappy then.

I am the opposite of unhappy now, although there is still a push and pull component to my life.

I missed something that never was. Some idealized version of family life, as well as some idealized version of a romantic life. But it took me 50 years to cognitively understand that I was in charge: of my life, of my actions, and of my thoughts.

For the past year or so I studied the subconscious mind, neuroplasticity, quantum physics, the law of attraction, and a number of related topics. So much makes more sense to me now than it did before.

I attribute this self-sought education to my current calm state of my mind. On the eve of an imminent disruption.

Because you see, I am taking a trip tomorrow. I am crossing the border and flying to America with my mom and my sister.

I suspect I will have many introspective things to say during – and after – my trip.

Stay tuned.

21 thoughts on “Leaping forward

    1. I looked at a map this morning of all the northern states and realized you are most likely further north than I am in Toronto.

      So… Do people in Wisconsin, North Dakota, Minnesota etc still refer to me/us in the Toronto region as “up north”? Because nope, not true.

      Gonna look up your town next to see the long- and latitude in relation to YYZ. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I can actually feel your peace and calm through your words! Bravo! It’s hard to think straight when you’re in the trenches. All we can do is keep moving forward! Enjoy your time in the states. If you find yourself in California let me know. Love to meet up if possible. 💕C

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In my experience, the ideal lifestyle is rarely ideal. We all have to find ways to be happy in our here and now, wherever that is. Sounds like you’re there… and that’s a wonderful thing. Hope it’s a great trip!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Space and time apart to reflect has been therapeutic. It almost felt like when I was in the trenches there was no time to come up for air beyond a couple of gasps here and there… It wasn’t enough before I went under again to grab on to whatever enlightening moment I might have come up with.

      Something about having older kids who have a natural desire to pull away and become independent helps parents like me to see more clearly, even in hindsight. I’m enjoying this part of my life even though the kids are still tethered to me. It’s a much longer line now… 😊


      1. On my mind… am going through my return… and a good mate passed away 11 years ago of a brain tumour during his chiron return. He was an educator, but also one of the world’s most respected session drummers. Played for people like Peter Gabriel and even did a gig with George Harrison. Pete was originally from Liverpool… so all they talked about was soccer. It cracked us all up. I would not have gotten past about 8 years sober without his friendship and more level head

        Liked by 1 person

      2. He was a true gentleman… seeing a good friend most days over his last 14 months with a tumour attacking a part of his brain affecting his personality was sad. He had been single most of his life, so when he was admitted to hospital and his brain was affected… no one even knew things like what pyjamas he wanted. Cancer is something you would not wish on anyone even if you really disliked them

        Liked by 1 person

  3. The problem with an idealized lifestyle is, it’s impossible to live up to that…but it sounds like you’ve found wisdom and acceptance. Welcome to the USA! Wave if you fly over Wisconsin, mmkay?

    Liked by 1 person

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