first world problems, fun

Instagram is now a hook-up site, and a dating app update

I have to occupy my brain with some superficial stupidity so I thought I’d share some of said stupidity with you. You’re welcome.

I very rarely go into my DMs on Instagram, but occasionally I wander in there to see what’s going on.

This happened yesterday.

Look at all the men who popped up in recent days. I’m so lucky! 🙄

Let’s analyze these guys, ok?

Mr. moudtarih has no picture, but he says hello. I have zero desire or intent to find out more so I barely registered him. (Blocked)

Mr. Ralf Winkel could be real, but probably isn’t. His picture is most likely fake. He also says hello, like moudtarih, but for extra effect he claps his hands. Is this some online-emoji-dating-app-speak I’m unaware of? Does it mean something? (Blocked)

Mr. John raymond spells his last name with a small r. Is this intentional? Is he a submissive man looking for a dominatrix? (Nothing wrong with that, just not my thing.) His picture might be real, or not, it’s neither here nor there. He also says hello, calls me pretty, and adds not one but two emojis letting me know just how friendly and impressed he is with me. (Blocked)

Mr. Carson Jason might be real or might not be. He calls me angel which is either a cultural/regional thing which I can accept under the right circumstances or just plain creepy. Seems a bit odd given he doesn’t know me. Do you think I’m an angel? 😀 Anyway, he is quite clever because he asks me an unsolicited question in order to get me to engage. I didn’t click the question because I don’t give a hoot what he’s asking me. (Blocked)

Mr. Michael Bencomo might have a real picture but he begins with an apology (of sorts) in which he lets me know he doesn’t mean to infringe on me about something. I clicked that one as I was curious what he was going to say given he was, in fact, infringing. 🙄

Here’s my problem:

On the one hand he might just be a lonely man and writing a message like this is, in his mind, a polite way to engage with someone he sees online and finds attractive. His grammatical/literary skills are lacking which I won’t hold against someone in theory, but it’s not an attractive feature to me. I’m a sapiosexual (intelligence in others is sexually attractive or arousing). I’m attracted to intelligence; grammar, spelling and linguistic skills are part of that, for me. (I know I’m not perfect, and the spelling and grammar police point this out to me every so often.)

Point is, the man is a virtual stranger trying to engage with someone who calls herself “writer of words” – the fact that he doesn’t clue in right from the get-go that we are absolutely incompatible based on just this one obvious little piece of information is a little maddening. I mean, really? I’m “charming” and “irresistible” based on what? He mentions my profile; did he look at anything else besides my profile picture? Did he read the Instagram stories? Did he click on my blog? Ugh. (Blocked)

Most women (if I may be so assuming and bold), including me, don’t see this method of trying to find a companion as appropriate or, ultimately, effective. Reaching out to a stranger by dishing out perceived compliments as a way to engage and hopefully (in their mind) hook up is inappropriate and creepy.

If you have followed and got to know me for some time then you know the way to get to me is with words. Intelligent, grammatically correct, clever words, not superficial compliments based on seeing a picture online and immediately imagining a friendship (or worse).

Obviously I blocked him, too, but let’s stay with this for a moment.

I have learned a lot about how men act online over the years of blogging and social media-ing. Not much surprises me anymore. There are very few people I allow into my online life outside of this blog (private email or messaging), and if you are one of these people, you can rest assured that our friendship, no matter its state (IRL or virtual) is real to me. Virtual friendships mean something to me, I don’t care about geographical distance as much as I care about how we communicate (with words).

However, the dating apps saga interests me. I had a friend who gave me snippets from his perspective at times, but I am no longer privy to his insights. I still have my own, though, so here goes.

My dating app history over the past year

I loaded (and have since deleted again) a former dating app again recently. I stayed with it 4 days. Here’s the timeline of my dating app use over the past year:

First time

Loaded a year ago to familiarize myself with how it works. Stayed with it a couple of months. Did not pay or interact with anyone. Saw hundreds of men, but only about 3 profiles with pictures that appealed on some level. Took note of how men presented themselves on an app like that, but I did nothing. Watched with horror how, within minutes (MINUTES!), I had accumulated 89 men who clicked ‘like’ or tried to message me. Deleted the app after a while because I don’t feel suited to meet strange men on an app.

Second time

Reloaded a few months later. Saw many new faces in my desired age demographic, and many old ones. The old ones became familiar, as in, I recognized not just their pictures (which in many cases had not changed in 3, 4 months) but also their general information in the profiles themselves. I wondered, are they dating multiple women actively and/or rejected constantly? Are they rejecting the women? Why are they still on the app after so many months? Are the women as uninterested in these men as I am, x-ing them off as regularly as I did? Or vice-versa?

Part of me felt sad. People in Toronto were subjected to multiple heavy lockdowns and loneliness is a epidemic. I get it.

There were a few men who looked interesting to me. Like, possible, maybe, if I was in the right frame of mind. But I did not justify spending money on an app like this so I did nothing but memorized their profiles and pictures and stored them. I had an intuitive feeling that these men would resurface again at some point. One was a teacher and hobby handyman, one was a firefighter, and one was a widowed, semi-retired wordsmith. I figured they’d get snatched up quickly, and it looked like they did during the time I was surfing the app. I deleted the app after a few weeks sometime in the summer and had several months of peace.

Third time

I reloaded the app just prior to Christmas. It’s a lonely time for many, right? Well, lo and behold, all my “friends” were still there, same pics, same profiles. All the non-appealing ones, that is. The ones I had no interest in. But, because I had seen them twice before, over several weeks, they became ‘familiar’ if you know what I mean. But there was an interesting tidbit that was different this time: some of these men added a nifty request (demand?) into the top of their profile indicating that they had, in fact, been actively dating. They said, in all caps and bold text, NO DRAMA.

I appreciate that many women are drama queens. But at this point I’m beginning to think that perhaps the men bring their own drama to the table (or bed). Why is it always assumed the women bring the drama? I remember men who said and did all the right things but remained emotionally unavailable and so focused on the honeymoon period (thrill of the chase) that as soon as life events began to affect the romance, they checked out and moved on. Yet, they wanted no drama… Huh. It was enlightening to read about this.

I was pretty disillusioned by this time and deleted the app again shortly after the new year began. I did not miss it.

Fourth time

Before I loaded the app again (late March) for a few days, I remembered someone who mentioned in late February that spring dating was about to begin. My apps were still deleted and I didn’t care about spring dating, but it stayed with me in the back corner of my brain. So when I reloaded the one app a few days ago, I recalled that statement and started browsing the app out of sheer curiosity. Who will I see on there?

Well well well. 😀

The first few dozen men who appeared were oh so familiar to me. I quickly glanced at their pictures and profiles and noticed nothing has changed. It’s been a year since I started this journey, and these lonely men who claimed to look for their forever person were still on there, in the same capacity, looking for the perfect woman to ride into the sunset with.

And then, a surprise.

2 out of the 3 ‘desirable’ men from a year ago (the retired widower and the firefighter) were back. The widower changed his photo slightly (but it was clearly one of a series someone took for him for the purpose of advertising on an app) and he still looked relatively attractive (to me). Maybe he met someone and made a go of it, and then it didn’t work out, so now he’s back. The firefighter didn’t change anything, expect he added a NO DRAMA to his profile. Guess he had sex with a/several drama queen(s)…

Then, I saw the teacher handyman. He completely changed his pictures and profile which is why I didn’t recognize him at first, but he seems to also be back in circulation. Maybe some fortunate woman got a new kitchen, he got some sex, and now he’s back on the market. 😛

Lordy.

I stayed with the app and watched the men surf for their girl-of-their-dreams for four days. I thought, at least some of them are getting sex – we all know that’s a front and center concern for most people – but the app did nothing to reassure me that so-called ‘desirable men’ will learn about emotional availability inside a dating app, and so I deleted it again.

Bye bye, men. I’m sorry true love isn’t happening for you (I really am. Loneliness is hard.)

And so ends another trek through the dating app fiasco. Except… now I discover I have a built-in dating app in my Instagram account. 🙄

Isn’t the internet fun?

Thank you for reading my post. See you in the comments!

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53 thoughts on “Instagram is now a hook-up site, and a dating app update”

  2. I can say many start with “Hello I, you are beautiful” really… When u are nice and start chatting with him you know for a while it’s a scam he don’t have time in certain time… Because working late at night busy because have another job or preparing for the other job…. Don’t waste your time, or u can if u want to have fun and role your eyes…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  6. Words with Friends 2 is also a hookup site. I can spot them right away now, and the telltale clues are: really new to the game, don’t put much effort into the word they decide on (usually only 3 letters max), constant messaging, the men look too young and handsome to be interested in a word game, when their messages aren’t responded to they give up and resign from the play. Catfish are all over it would seem. Loved your post. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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    2. OMG yes! I’ve been a “victim” of this too, also happened to me once on Pinterest(the user on Pinterest had no photo, so that was an instant red flag). So unbelievable how now you can’t enjoy your gameplay in peace. 🙄

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  7. I agree with Paula that the Instagram dudes are probably scammers. I get a lot of pretend military dudes. I’m very curious as to whether of them actually “succeed”, whatever it is that their version of success is.

    Liked by 1 person

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  8. I’m always amused by all the guys who get lost trying to find Tinder and end up stumbling onto IG. It’s almost as bad as all the Bitcoin traders. Like I’m going to use IG for investing advice or dating prospects. Too funny.

    Liked by 2 people

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  10. Ugh my wife used to get creepy come on conversations whenever she played random guys on words with friends, Now she strictly plays guys she knows in real life or other women.
    No drama. How ridiculous, who doesn’t have a degree of drama in their life ? It’s truly an honor to be in the friend circle 🤗, even if we never meet…but if things ever ease completely…a trip up North with my wife to meet you would be swell.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Yes, a couple of followers here have met true love, and I appreciate that. So special!

      Some, many however, have not and keep trying, but I have to wonder if it’s just too easy to stay in the ‘fast lane’ so to speak when there are constantly new (better?) opportunities just a click or swipe away…

      I don’t know, Ana. I may or may not do it. Right now, none of it appeals to me.

      Liked by 1 person

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  12. Ha ha. Laughed at your analysis. I block minimum of three a day. As an aside, I copied and pasted a line from message and seems it’s a popular hook – showed up on other media sites under different names. Romance scams are thriving business apparently.

    Liked by 2 people

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  13. This was a hoot! I guess I didn’t know you could join a dating app as a voyeur. I haven’t tried any of those but I did get some similar responses when I tried to sell furniture on an app for that. When I told my grown daughters that, they seemed to find it common. Eewww.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. I tried two apps. One allows for hidden mode, and one allows you to ‘take a break’ and you can give a reason if you want (pull from a menu). It makes me wonder, do people keep the app open but remain hidden when they’re pursuing (or being pursued) a new relationship just in case someone better comes along? It’s all very strange and weird, to me.

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    1. What? You’re crazy! 😀

      I spent 2 hours in the bathroom today colouring the grey (every week and a half I gotta do it), and groom all the groomables… lol. Anyway, thank you. I may look younger than my age, but up close, I look… tired and my age. Trust me. Especially lately. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. I refuse to see gray anymore. I made a vow to stop coloring my hair when I retired. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror it is so obvious after 6 months. You did look lovely though, really -but as to the creepers hitting on you…yuck.

        Liked by 2 people

  16. That last guy was not only a suspect for the Grammar Police, that whole thing read like a script… like that exact paragraph was sent to dozens or hundreds of women.

    Thank you for the reinforcement of my choice to forego the dating app scene. Not that I have time rn anyway…🙄 It’s just sad. Like that Beatles song, Eleanor Rigby… 🎶 look at all the lonely people🎶☹

    💌💌

    Liked by 3 people

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      2. It’s never gone beyond just the superficial posting so I’m not bothered by it. I know people who click on them, sometimes send money… it can be dangerous to engage in this stuff. I see it mostly as academic and somewhat entertaining (within reason and limits). Also, who raised these men? lordy

        Liked by 1 person

  18. All those men you blocked are scammers (imo). Typical scam begins with you’re so pretty want to know you blah blah and ends up asking for money to get home from (wherever) so he can be your Mr. Forever. Unbelievable how many women send money! I’ve had similar awful experiences and no longer even look at dating sites. To be fair though, I know at least 2 couples who met & married from meeting on OKC. So it does happen! I just can’t deal with all the liars and scammers in hopes of finding that one decent man. Also, that “no drama” flag is generally a sign of an attached guy just looking for NSA sex…

    Liked by 3 people

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