midlife, Women issues, writing

Your discomfort does not inhibit my creativity

Uncomfortable topics tend to have a special type of allure, especially when they’ve been written from a personal and relatable perspective.

For many people, sex or sexuality is one of those uncomfortable topics.

When I embarked on the If Not Now, When train, sex was one of the topics I grappled with. I am endlessly interested in female sexuality, especially for those who are in midlife. Sex and sexuality in midlife is a different ballgame after long-term commitments, pregnancies and babies, raising families and all the rest of it. And then, we’re hit with peri- and menopause and all its hormonal fluctuations affecting everything from skin to weight to mental health to changes in libido; no wonder some women feel disoriented, confused or lose interest in sex or sexual activity all together.

It’s not so different for men in midlife, either. The men deal with similar health issues as the women do and also struggle with sexual challenges, such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, just to name a couple.

But this isn’t what I want to talk about here today. I will address those, and similar topics, on my Medium project I mentioned previously and invite you to contribute at will.

Peri-menopause hit me differently than I expected. I went from very low libido and pain during intercourse before and shortly after babies, to an explosion of hormonal-infused, irrational thoughts about anything to do with sex after about 45. It was perplexing. What was the matter with me? Did I suddenly turn into a teenage boy?

Curiosity guided me toward google and after carefully sifting through a lot of bullshit articles which were neither helpful nor interesting, I found some personal anecdotes from people who simply laid it out on the line.

Or, more specifically, they hurled their personal stories out on the internet.

One such person is a wonderful new follower who calls herself Still Bitchy after 60. Her blog name alone was enough of a lure for me in and I happily clicked follow immediately after reading a couple of her posts. (I then happily extended my stay because her words are gold.)

One day she published a blog post and titled it This May Make You Uncomfortable. I read every word, and then I re-read every word.

I was once again reminded of of this:

Your Discomfort Does Not Inhibit My Creativity

It was astonishing to me that this woman spoke my language. (Or at least how much of her story resonated with me in hindsight.)

The gist of her post was sex drive and climax (hers, not his). Or rather, lack of both drive and orgasm. She then gently moved the topic toward self-love all the while keeping me intrigued by how elegantly she managed to share her story.

Over the years, ever since I began my side-hustle of erotica writing, I’ve come across a lot of stories about sex. Seeking out the ones that educated me (academically as well as from the point of entertainment) I was led down a path of discovering various cougars (midlife women who date) who, in many situations, described their dates with their men in excruciating (but fun) details. Most were respectful of privacy and came up with endearing names to call their lovers. They analyzed in great detail all the shenanigans which occurred, from the first virtual connection right up to the condom flying across the room after the fact. 😀

Note: I have never witnessed a condom flying across the room. 😛

I also came across blogs of people who found alternative ways to spice up their love and sex lives with their long-term spouses. Some went the kinky route with bondage or expanding beyond their monogamous boundaries, others immersed themselves in D/s relationships with clearly defined and mutually consented rules. I learned a lot while reading them, and in some cases, it was incredibly eye-opening at the huge interest in preserving their relationships that may have dulled a bit over the years. Work and children can suck the spice right out of you, am I right? These people however took the bull by the horn (or balls, so to speak, ha) and and explored creative methods to augment, and or preserve, the sexy spice in their relationship.

Inspiring. But these methods are not everyone’s cup of tea. For some people, the slowdown of shenanigans is welcome and appreciated, which is fine. Every relationship is unique. You write your own script. For others, well, you can google them yourself. Search tags like #sex or #dating or #onlinedating and hold on to your hat.

But back to the article from Bitchy. The comments below were interesting (and brave) and included men who chimed in in tandem with the women. How amazing is this blog world? You can write about a perspective that affects you as a woman and really lay it all out on the line and then, men read it, identify from the other side to some circumstance, and are equally brave to leave a comment which contributes to the dialogue in an open, engaging way. I thought the entire blog post was handled with positivity and authenticity which is such an endearing quality in a world of shaming, criticizing and judging. Especially on social media.

I want to do more of this, broach the uncomfortable topics. I will probably address most of it over on Medium but either cross-post, or introduce parts of these trickier subjects here on the blog as well. As long as we are accepting and tolerant of all the various viewpoints by people who take time out of their day to acknowledge and share their stories, it can work. I’ll moderate for shaming and related negative activity, but I don’t typically have a problem with this on my blog.

Looking forward to the comments.

30 thoughts on “Your discomfort does not inhibit my creativity”

  2. Pingback: Writers should kick in doors and tear down walls – Writer of Words, etc

  3. Well, label me a genuine doofus, but I’m not feeling nostalgic for 2019 ca., when judging was a favoured social network pastime used to belittle, degrade and marginalize others in an open forum. “Feeling comfortable in uncomfortable situations” – discussions, observations, experiences, etc. – is pure human growth possibility-in-play mode (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) at its unfiltered best. Kind of like “writing naked” or “dropping one’s britches for a cold slide on the ice.”

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. I read your posts and your comments and feel a kindred spirit with you. I didn’t know you’d been around 16 years. I start blogging in 2004 so I’m right there with you. Like you I haven’t had much trouble with trolls or naysayers, and when I have I am all about ‘delete.’

    As for talking about anything online, it’s easy to do if you are willing to go there. Some people do it well, others seem to stumble over their own honesty. You’re part of the first group.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. It was a journey for me. Constant concern about protecting the feelings and comfort level of others. Both IRL and here.

      I’m still on the journey but like I keep yammering on about, I’ve chosen a new path at the fork in the road.

      I hope I won’t get pulled back. Or, I won’t let others pull me back… 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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  5. Dude, I got the teenage boy thing too at peri, and full menopause. But my libido was stuck on overdrive from age 15 on… until the ex killed it.
    I was 40 when the ex finally left, and in peri. And I went cougar for awhile. I got tired of even Friends with Benfits, and have been celebate for years. Not because no drive, more cuz I can’t deal with the drama… the effort to play the game to get to the good stuff😉😂

    Definitely write whatever, whenever, and however. This blog is YOUR space. We’re guests. I appreciate being a welcomed guest 🥰

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. The title says it all, why should anyone’s discomfort inhibit someone’s creativity. Blogs are a way to share thoughts, experiences, to learn and unlearn. Why should any topic be barred or declared beyond limit. Yes, there are people who will judge and some can be real harsh but then a creative mind has to face it all.
    Stay blessed always
    🙏🌹🙏

    Liked by 1 person

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  8. Thanks for the shoutout and the compliments. So glad that you found my post… I don’t know what word to use… relatable…inspiring… honest. Yes honest might be the best word unless you have a better one. This blogging world seems to be a comfortable place to discuss such things. And I was very pleased that a couple or regular male readers commented. I do find this community very open minded. It is a nice place to share one’s feelings and experiences for sure. Or has been for me so far.

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    1. I think we attract like-mindedness. Because I have had very little trouble with negativity or trolls in the 16 years I’ve been doing this, which tells me there is a decent group of people out there reading our content (and commenting).

      Thank you for the inspiration. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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  9. I think this project is great. I have a personal topic that I have never seen shared anywhere, and definitely one that no one told me about surrounding hysterectomy. If you would like to discuss email me. I don’t think I have my email attached to my blog so dtecca59@gmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

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      1. Nope, but it might be something that would be beneficial for women to know and if you think so I can get it written down and then it’s yours to use as you like if it seems appropriate.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I see a lot of groups(gatekeepers) who try to dictate what is acceptable for a writer to write about and it perplexes me. No subject is off limits, in my opinion. Write what you want to write, simple as that. If a writer is willing to constrain themselves to appease anyone(including themselves), then they are taking a failing approach and will likely never see their full potential as a writer. Out of anyone, writers should be the ones kicking in the doors and tearing down the walls.

    Liked by 4 people

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    1. I needed to hear this. I have been so clouded and fearful about how, when and where to write what I really wanted, as I’m sure you’ve seen across my platforms. It took me until now to finally kick open the door and get on with it. And, to do it under my name instead of a pseudonym. It’s like an awakening.

      You and Michael have encouraged me to recognize my potential, drop my inhibitions and push past the self-imposed boundaries. Thank you for your support.

      Always nice to see you drop by River. I’m humbled and honoured.

      Liked by 3 people

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  11. I think blogging lends itself well to otherwise uncomfortable topics. There are times when you don’t even want to tell your best friend embarrassing things… and blogging gives people a forum to discuss situations without worrying about how those close to us will judge.

    Liked by 4 people

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    1. The judging in person is possibly harder to take, maybe because of proximity.

      The judging inside a tribe, like familiar bloggers who engage, might feel like a safe space but has boundaries.

      Judgement on the internet in general can be harsher than in person (but is also quite fleeting – who remembers who got shamed yesterday or the day before when there are so many more to shame today?)

      Liked by 4 people

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