The week leading up to Christmas had me feeling low and borderline depressed. This is pretty standard for me this time of year, and was augmented by the prevailing lockdown. I tried to keep my head above water but failed. There is a metaphorical abyss in my life that has a life of its own. For one thing, it moves. It follows me around. 😬
At times I’m able to ignore it, or send it away. “Go hang out with the holes the puppy dug,” I tell it and carry on with my day.
But I don’t always succeed.
At times, I feel it inching closer until it makes me wobble, and stumble. I try to keep my balance to prevent from falling in, but I don’t always succeed.
You want to know what it looks like, this abyss? I’ll show you:
(source: The Walking Dead)
Anyway, I’m no longer in the abyss. I just climbed out. The edge is still near but I’m planning my escape route. And I’m winning.
Here is what I tried to make myself feel better:
I relied on some of my friends.
Reaching out is something I’m good at. However, waiting around for responses not so much, especially when I’m feeling low.
I realize everyone has their own stuff going on. I also realize that sometimes, people say the words you desire to hear, but they don’t really mean them.
Alternately, they did mean them, but something changed in their own lives which they chose to pay attention to, as they should.
I’ve been reflecting about this for the past few days. And I’ve come to the same conclusion I always do (eventually):
The problem lies with me, not with them.
There’s a lesson here I need reminding of:
The only person I can trust and rely on is myself.
Perhaps I’m too literal for my own good. 😶
I take what people say at face value and when they disappear/don’t respond/change their mind I allow this to affect me negatively.
But not all is lost. I am, after all, not (yet) committed to the loony bin. 😉
The first step toward change is to acknowledge my own triviality. Or, if that doesn’t work, read things by people who are much smarter than I am.
Others’ opinions have no place in how I feel. If I’m uneasy about something, then I should honor that feeling. K E Garland
That’s #18 on this post
I’ve been reading some of the books I mentioned here by bloggers and authors who have inspired me, and I’m making notes. Maybe I’ll share some later. 🙂
But today there is a plan in place. My 13yo wants to colour some of her hair purple (just some streaks, not the whole head) and we’re going to prep her room for painting. She picked a lavender hue. I’ll probably let her do the painting (and prep beforehand) with her dad, but I’ll help her colour her hair. And maybe later, I’ll purchase her some new sheets, too. I think she’s outgrown snowmen and princesses by now. 😄
And so begins another day outside of the abyss. Wish me luck I manage to stay out.
See you in the comments.
Writer of Words, etc 
Hang in there. That’s what we do at present.
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Thank you. Yes. 💜
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I constantly got one foot stuck in the abyss but at least the other foot is strong enough to hoist up out of it and I am never stuck for too long thankfully. It’s great that the natural gummies I eat keep my anxiety in check but man being chased by the dark clouds is a real drag. Right there with ya my dear.
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Yes. Right. Dark clouds. Ugh.
It’s been a hard year for many people. I’m luckier than many but I think this depression is hereditary. Tough sometimes. Thank you for sharing your view.
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Tough year ? Nope, for methe dark clouds have been with me for half century
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Yeah. I get it.
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Hang in there! Honor your feelings, and keep busy with things that bring you joy! Sending you love and prayers! Blessings! ♥♥
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Some of us never outgrow snowmen.
I have had friends in the past who always seemed to dance around the abyss. It was a foreign concept to me because, as Tara is quick to point out, I’m the most easygoing and optimistic person on the planet. Few things bring me down. If I could bottle that up and sell it, I’d probably make a fortune. But alas, such is not the case.
Keep up the positive spirits. 2021 will be better for everybody!
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We are all not ourselves at the moment….stay strong….I wish I had something better for you
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Sending hugs my dear. And not that you need any validation, but my aunt used to describe depression, exactly as you have here…”like a deep hole you can’t get out of.”
Anywho, here’s to listening to our bodies and feelings and intuition ❤ I hope your daughter’s hair turns out just as she wants.
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The abyss can be an okay place sometimes, as long as you know the route out rather than going deeper. Is the daughter in a purple phase, or has she always liked that color. I remember lots of color phases as a teenager. Some where better choices than others…
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She does seem to like purple a lot…and has for some time.
She’s 13. I won’t hold my breath either way, if she sticks with it or not. 🙃
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Writing is my salvation in these times. Totally agree with cheryloreglia and avwalters. Working on projects that won’t probably see the light until later 2021…or afterwards. But they keep me away from the abyss, which is there, beckoning.
Let us know what happens with the coloring. Lavender is a neat color and if I were younger, I would try it myself!
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We had some “issues” but there is a bit of progress…
No doubt there is blog fodder in the future. 😉
And yes to writing. I did some today and will more tomorrow. 🙂
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find hope
cope
best you can
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If I even get close to that abyss, I think I’m fucked, and I’m too big for the guinea pigs to be able to rescue me.
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Mood, she’s a bitch to deal with, I try to befriend her, and let me say she’s fickle? Writing is like sun and air to me, except when I’m in a disruptive location, then it just plays with mood. Helpful, no, C
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Sometimes, I get relief using a full spectrum light. Always, going outdoors helps–walks or work–even if there’s no sun. Watching what I eat can help, though feeling low often makes me reach for sweets–likely not the best course. And the best is mindless chores that let me lose myself in the characters or plot twists of any current or planned writing project. Absent from these tactics is reliance on others….not their job.
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