The week leading up to Christmas had me feeling low and borderline depressed. This is pretty standard for me this time of year, and was augmented by the prevailing lockdown. I tried to keep my head above water but failed. There is a metaphorical abyss in my life that has a life of its own. For one thing, it moves. It follows me around. 😬
At times I’m able to ignore it, or send it away. “Go hang out with the holes the puppy dug,” I tell it and carry on with my day.
But I don’t always succeed.
At times, I feel it inching closer until it makes me wobble, and stumble. I try to keep my balance to prevent from falling in, but I don’t always succeed.
You want to know what it looks like, this abyss? I’ll show you:
Anyway, I’m no longer in the abyss. I just climbed out. The edge is still near but I’m planning my escape route. And I’m winning.
Here is what I tried to make myself feel better:
I relied on some of my friends.
Reaching out is something I’m good at. However, waiting around for responses not so much, especially when I’m feeling low.
I realize everyone has their own stuff going on. I also realize that sometimes, people say the words you desire to hear, but they don’t really mean them.
Alternately, they did mean them, but something changed in their own lives which they chose to pay attention to, as they should.
I’ve been reflecting about this for the past few days. And I’ve come to the same conclusion I always do (eventually):
The problem lies with me, not with them.
There’s a lesson here I need reminding of:
The only person I can trust and rely on is myself.
Perhaps I’m too literal for my own good. 😶
I take what people say at face value and when they disappear/don’t respond/change their mind I allow this to affect me negatively.
But not all is lost. I am, after all, not (yet) committed to the loony bin. 😉
The first step toward change is to acknowledge my own triviality. Or, if that doesn’t work, read things by people who are much smarter than I am.
Others’ opinions have no place in how I feel. If I’m uneasy about something, then I should honor that feeling. K E GarlandThat’s #18 on this post
I’ve been reading some of the books I mentioned here by bloggers and authors who have inspired me, and I’m making notes. Maybe I’ll share some later. 🙂
But today there is a plan in place. My 13yo wants to colour some of her hair purple (just some streaks, not the whole head) and we’re going to prep her room for painting. She picked a lavender hue. I’ll probably let her do the painting (and prep beforehand) with her dad, but I’ll help her colour her hair. And maybe later, I’ll purchase her some new sheets, too. I think she’s outgrown snowmen and princesses by now. 😄
And so begins another day outside of the abyss. Wish me luck I manage to stay out.
See you in the comments.