Selfie hell: filters, enhancers and other functions

When I took this selfie I was 18,994 days young. Or 27,351,548 minutes

I don’t know if these numbers are correct, I plugged them into an automated calculator thingy on the internet. Those of you who are math wizards…

…can fool around…

… with these numbers at will. And then tell me if I look the same age in all of the pictures. Or not. Whatever. πŸ˜›

Anyway this playing around with selfies happened on the day between my birthday and my daughter’s birthday. πŸŽπŸŽ‚πŸŽ Yes, we celebrate birthdays right after Canadian Thanksgiving which means as of next weekend I will weigh at least ten pounds heavier. Because cake. Also pie (from Thanksgiving). And then there was a flan with caramel sauce and of course whip cream… πŸ˜‰

However, there is another reason I took these selfies:

These pictures are the last ones of me as a 1-teen-1-tween mom you will ever see. After tomorrow my tween girl will be a teenager and I will have 2 teenagers in this house. Also, I will have aged another ten years overnight. πŸ˜›

(Not really…she’s a good kid). ❀

But I digress. Here’s what really happened:

As I was taking selfies I discovered this little icon on top of my screen. It’s called face beauty auto. You can keep it on auto, turn it on, or off.


It appears to be some sort of a beautification filter that’s built in to the camera of this phone.


I mean…what’s that all about?

Does this have to do with all the selfie-obsessed dating apps people use these days?

I inspected my pictures and thought something looked a bit different. One thing I realized was that my skin never looked so good as it did in these images on my phone now. No blemishes, no acne scars…

Really? πŸ™„

So naturally, I dragged myselft to the bathroom to verify my skin tone in the mirror.Β  Mirrors don’t lie, usually. (Do they?)

Here’s what I found:

My skin wasn’t exactly blemish free in the mirror, but even with a few discolorations and a couple deeper wrinkles, it has seen worse days than right now, during midlife. (I do take care of myself much better than I used to back in my flight attendant days…)

I can accept my mirror image today. My camera image however…I look slightly different (better?) in the selfies and I wonder if those who know me in person would see this difference.

I’ll have to ask someone whom I’m not related to for an honest, objective opinion.

I’m going to have to investigate this beautification filter thing further, perhaps on other parts of me. For instance, can this filter tone up my arms? Or maybe, I don’t know, shrink parts of me like my middle section? Perhaps it can accentuate other parts as, um, fuller? Or less full? Rounder? Less round? Longer, or slimmer…curvier, or flatter?

God I feel like a Kardashian (sorry not sorry).


This whole situation has me all discombobulated.

Anyway, tomorrow is my daughter’s 13th birthday and there will be cake and I’m going to eat cake and refrain from taking any more selfies.

Stay tuned for less drivel and more/better writing in the coming days. Part 2 of Nick and Sabrina’s erotic adventure is almost ready for posting. πŸ™‚



45 thoughts on “Selfie hell: filters, enhancers and other functions

  1. Happy birthday to you!
    Phone beauty apps and filters are irresistible to many women I know. The skin appears smooth and young as a porcelain doll. Eyes glossy and a little enlarged. That makes women happy. I guess it’s a way to keep self-esteem at the optimal level.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Blessed. That’s what I am. No cell phone. No selfies. No selfie filters. No need to wonder whether I look ‘good enough.’ Congratulations on graduating to twin teen status.


    1. It’s eye-opening to me, all the functionalities the technology offers.

      Here’s a reminder: main reason I’m fooling around with all these apps is to familiarize myself with what my teens are exposed to on a daily basis. Especially while we are continually locked into our homes as this virus rages; technology is not going away.

      Believe it or not, I have eyes in certain places because of some of the stupidity in these apps, because I know how said apps function.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I bet you had to cheat and verify/look up the spelling of discombobulated. So they have a selfie filter. How about a a “dumb posting” filter. Maybe make it “look better”? That sure would cut down on some of the stuff I try to post.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Happy Belated Birthday (Regrets, I’ll explain …). Also, Kindly Ditch The Filters in Photo Editing. You don’t need it. This is a fact back by science and supported by My Opinion, which is infallible in such matters of judgement. You know this. Plus, Digital Botoxing is bad for the soul, a usurper of truth, and evil. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My son dislikes make up so much, and I’m proud of him. Filters are very confusing… give me Authentic any day! Good luck with the double teenagers πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄
    (My son is 20 now and LOVELY… but he wasn’t between 14 & 17)

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wow I didn’t even consider a filter it’s very subtle. My cousin who ironically is the same age as you uses some ridiculous filter that makes her look 20 something. The more natural the better, I don’t think I’ve every dated any women that hid behind makeup, and my wife rarely ever gets dolled up.

    Liked by 2 people

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