Disclaimer: I’m feeling sorry for myself. Don’t be rude or obnoxious in the comments, I’ll block you. None of my self-absorbedness in this post means I’m not anxious or active in other, more important things going on in my family, community and beyond. This post isn’t a tally of what I do for others; I don’t feel like justifying myself to anyone today. This is my blog and today, this is what flows out of my head and into my keyboard. Sorry not sorry.
Some days I feel like I’m living inside a bubble.
I don’t mean to imply the bubble is an isolated, lonely entity of solitude, because there isn’t much of that despite still staying home most of the time. I just mean the lack of external obligations has me more isolated than usual, and for longer than usual.
It wasn’t that long ago that I was waking up to lists of things that needed accomplishing that day, and often contained carry-overs of things I didn’t finish yesterday.
Things like youth sports. Growing children who constantly need clothes and shoes. Dog walking. Food shopping and cooking. So much food prep…And driving. So much driving, usually in weather and traffic. Coordinating stuff, supervising stuff, scheduling stuff, fixing stuff, replenishing stuff…
To be honest, I’ve always felt like a toilet-paper-and-food hoarder. My plan was to have plenty of that stuff in the house to last us for a long time so it would be less time-consuming to worry about during the daily routine. I didn’t want to constantly run out of essentials and be forced to go to a store every time I passed one in my travels. (I hate shopping.)
Now I feel like I’m living the opposite life.
There is no place to go: no sports, no school, no team functions, no tournaments, no planning or scheduling meetings, no socializing either. No dog walking (and no income). Sigh.
I still go shopping but I do an even bigger shop than I did before in the hopes I don’t have to go back for longer…especially because there aren’t many other options available for eating in restaurants (just yet). Take-out has its own invisible problems…
Twitter has some covidiots making stupid jokes about “kissing the food before passing it through the drive-through window” which I bet also happened before corona, but is making me shudder at the possibilities now. This of course only makes home cooking even more important these days. Believe what you want but I wouldn’t put it past some people who do what they want behind restaurant walls and enclosed kitchens. I don’t like fast food to begin with but the rest of the fam does…you can probably imagine what it’s like after a 90 minute practice at 9 pm on a school night and all they want is pizza or burgers…
Anyway. There is a lot of home cooking. Thankfully the kids help out with that at times, as does my partner. But still…must they eat all the time? I’d be happy with much less… ☕🍷🍫 😉
My point is, I have more free time than I did before, which should motivate me to do the things I wanted to do when I couldn’t. (Write more, publish some, freelance…)
Only I don’t feel motivated.
Partly, I’m struggling with coming to terms with my father’s death. That only happened 20 days ago…
This is something I can’t rush, so I let myself ride out my emotions. Some days, this spurs me on to do a major purge or a deep cleaning or some heavy lifting in the garden. Others days, I sit. I may read, or write, or not. Sometimes I daydream. Mostly I watch wildlife, pets or visiting cats, and listen to birdsong, or music.
But that inactivity is making me restless. I miss my boot camp tribe. I miss my dog walking business. I miss dog sitting. I miss other things, which just can’t happen right now.
My friend tells me she picked up an online business again and shares her steps of success with me.
Maybe it’s time, for me. If not now, when, and all that. I started some of my plans…but then stopped.
Depression has its own roadmap.
Anyway, to overcome that yesterday, I invited my mom over for dinner. This is what I put on the BBQ:
This is what it looked like after cooking:
There were some leftovers which I packed up for mom to take home. 😊
And then, we had lemon cheesecake with white chocolate shavings. ❤
Happy Monday to you. If not now, when? I’m gonna go write something. 🙂