Living in a bubble

Disclaimer: I’m feeling sorry for myself. Don’t be rude or obnoxious in the comments, I’ll block you. None of my self-absorbedness in this post means I’m not anxious or active in other, more important things going on in my family, community and beyond. This post isn’t a tally of what I do for others; I don’t feel like justifying myself to anyone today. This is my blog and today, this is what flows out of my head and into my keyboard. Sorry not sorry.

***

Some days I feel like I’m living inside a bubble.

I don’t mean to imply the bubble is an isolated, lonely entity of solitude, because there isn’t much of that despite still staying home most of the time. I just mean the lack of external obligations has me more isolated than usual, and for longer than usual.

It wasn’t that long ago that I was waking up to lists of things that needed accomplishing that day, and often contained carry-overs of things I didn’t finish yesterday.

Things like youth sports. Growing children who constantly need clothes and shoes. Dog walking. Food shopping and cooking. So much food prep…And driving. So much driving, usually in weather and traffic. Coordinating stuff, supervising stuff, scheduling stuff, fixing stuff, replenishing stuff…

To be honest, I’ve always felt like a toilet-paper-and-food hoarder. My plan was to have plenty of that stuff in the house to last us for a long time so it would be less time-consuming to worry about during the daily routine. I didn’t want to constantly run out of essentials and be forced to go to a store every time I passed one in my travels. (I hate shopping.)

But now?

Now I feel like I’m living the opposite life.

There is no place to go: no sports, no school, no team functions, no tournaments, no planning or scheduling meetings, no socializing either. No dog walking (and no income). Sigh.

I still go shopping but I do an even bigger shop than I did before in the hopes I don’t have to go back for longer…especially because there aren’t many other options available for eating in restaurants (just yet). Take-out has its own invisible problems…

Twitter has some covidiots making stupid jokes about “kissing the food before passing it through the drive-through window” which I bet also happened before corona, but is making me shudder at the possibilities now. This of course only makes home cooking even more important these days. Believe what you want but I wouldn’t put it past some people who do what they want behind restaurant walls and enclosed kitchens. I don’t like fast food to begin with but the rest of the fam does…you can probably imagine what it’s like after a 90 minute practice at 9 pm on a school night and all they want is pizza or burgers…

Anyway. There is a lot of home cooking. Thankfully the kids help out with that at times, as does my partner. But still…must they eat all the time? I’d be happy with much less… ☕🍷🍫 😉

My point is, I have more free time than I did before, which should motivate me to do the things I wanted to do when I couldn’t. (Write more, publish some, freelance…)

Only I don’t feel motivated.

Partly, I’m struggling with coming to terms with my father’s death. That only happened 20 days ago…

This is something I can’t rush, so I let myself ride out my emotions. Some days, this spurs me on to do a major purge or a deep cleaning or some heavy lifting in the garden. Others days, I sit. I may read, or write, or not. Sometimes I daydream. Mostly I watch wildlife, pets or visiting cats, and listen to birdsong, or music.

Come Undone (Duran Duran)

But that inactivity is making me restless. I miss my boot camp tribe. I miss my dog walking business. I miss dog sitting. I miss other things, which just can’t happen right now.

My friend tells me she picked up an online business again and shares her steps of success with me.

Maybe it’s time, for me. If not now, when, and all that. I started some of my plans…but then stopped.

Depression has its own roadmap.

Anyway, to overcome that yesterday, I invited my mom over for dinner. This is what I put on the BBQ:

This is what it looked like after cooking:

There were some leftovers which I packed up for mom to take home. 😊

And then, we had lemon cheesecake with white chocolate shavings. ❤

Happy Monday to you. If not now, when? I’m gonna go write something. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

60 thoughts on “Living in a bubble

  1. I’m sorry about your father. Between that and the isolation I can easily understand why you feel depressed but you need to cut yourself some slack. You’ve suffered a loss not just of your parent, but of your freedom, and you need time to heal. Stay close to those who lift you up, they will help you find your motivation. And keep writing. It’s therapeutic and you never know who else is reading your blog and identifying with it’s meaning. We will all get through this, as silent partners.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. I find the less things I have to do, the less motivated I am to do anything at all … even though I have lots of time now. I read a quote online that said, “I used to think the reason I didn’t clean the house was because I didn’t have time, but now I know better.” Yup.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to hear about your father. I was always relieved that my father passed after my mom. For some reason, I always thought of her as a gentle spirit but she was a warrior!

    I can identify with a lot of what you are saying about food, cooking, and eating much less for yourself. All of us during this time have a few stresses. Sometimes we confide and sometimes we go exercise! Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We’ve all been living in our own bubbles for the past few months, dealing with the situation as best we can. I know I’ve had it far better than a lot of people and am thankful for that. Your bubble will burst someday soon, and you’ll be able to reclaim your old life (or at least a semblance of it). Then, you’ll have to decide if you even want that old life, I suppose.

    Hang in there, and if you need somebody to lend an ear, I’m always available to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ve been hit and miss in reading blogs lately. So I am just now learning of your father’s death. I am so sorry. It’s never easy losing a loved one, but even more challenging now during this pandemic. You are entitled to feel as you do. You have lost so much. I’m deeply sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Both Cupcake and I have lost our parents. Rough moment in any child’s life, but like you said, life is a road map, and a parental death means the GPS has to recalculate, and it will, because that is what happens when you hit a dead end or a fork.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It’s interesting how you’re missing the kids’ sports and activities. When I read your blog Pre-Covid, I often thought of how tiring it was at the time but how sometimes I miss it now. I remember the first fall I didn’t have anyone playing soccer and I’d drive by the fields on a weekend and see all the little ones in their uniforms and want to stop and watch.
    It’s been a weird time for everyone and I think some people are handling it well, but others are not. And to answer your question about “why do they have to eat so often?” 😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol. Eating is a thing…!

      They miss the rink and the camaraderie fostered there the most. But it’s summer now and we take breaks from ice sports during warm weather…but yes. It’s been an adjustment.

      The boy and his father in the meantime have taken an interest in golf. With shopping included. (Help me…) 😶😉

      Like

  8. I’m sorry about your father’s death.
    You say something true, now the time seems longer. We used to be slaves to the clock and now we don’t know what to do over time.
    My friends even knead and bake their own bread. Maybe we’ve gone back a century on some issues. You think so?
    Greeting

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This feels like that pit of fire where you go when you’re about to fly somewhere new and amazing (I’m sort of there still- emerging slowly- I think- I hope.) The fire burns (ouch, but strangely empowering) and then you fly. I know you will fly, Claudette. Hang in there. xxx Another thought: your Dad. I’m sending you much invisible internet love. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. That alone is enough to deal with, along with everything else that’s sad/bad in the world today. Just give yourself permission to do nothing. I’m not writing at all, not motivated to, have nothing to say, plus dealing with a bout of back pain. It’s difficult enough just to get through the day, so having no expectations is a relief. Be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! I laughed at your “must they eat all the time” comment, so you still have your sense of humor! I share your distrust of takeout food…..we all have isolation fatigue so I imagine workers must get hygiene fatigue too. On my last grocery store run I saw a new student cashier wipe her nose with her hand and she did NOT use hand sanitizer. I had only unpacked 3 times so I quickly put them back in the cart and chose another lineup. Then I went to another grocery store where the student cashier blew her nose and DID not use hand sanitizer. Well she did after I asked her – I already had the cart all unloaded. Got a glare in response. I didn’t care if she thought I was bitchy – I have a 94 year old mother I was buying for. The thought of it made me sick – but there’s no one in charge on weekends and lots of new student hires. So you can give employees hygiene training but you can’t make them do it. Personally, I think they should all be wearing masks or face shields.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. No one knows what personal situations we are dealing with at home so people on the front lines really should be setting examples. But I can’t guarantee if my own teens wouldn’t do the same. They don’t think…I don’t know.

        Wash your hands and wipe things down, then was your hands again. That’s the best course of action in my opinion.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I imagine it must be exhausting having to be consciously thinking about hygiene all day long, hence the hygeine fatigue. Here, many people aren’t even wearing masks anymore, just us older ones. But things are looking up, at least I have a hair appointment next Friday!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. That, in itself, is a lot to take on emotionally and mentally. What you feel is completely understandable and normal, at least to me. I want to think I felt the same way you’re feeling some years ago when I was becoming too ill to continue with my college classes. I was so used to a routine and having things to do. Meeting deadlines. Going to recitals and concerts (I was a music major in college). I was always on the go and the minute I didn’t have any of that to do anymore it was like culture shock. I had to adjust to a new way of life. And you would think with the extra time I could do so much, but instead I just became depressed. Thankfully, that is not the case for me now, but it was a time in my life where so much had changed, so I can kind of relate. So much is changing around us and at a fast rate. Our “normal” is definitely being redefined. Oh, and I’m not big on take out either! I actually love cooking things myself. If anyone is going to be adding anything “special” to my food, it will be ME! Lol. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Brandi for commenting. I get what you’re saying too, it was similar for me at University. The time between graduation and becoming a flight attendant was like a culture shock too, for similar reasons. Thanks for reminding me! I know this will pass…working on letting myself go through it in one piece. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re very welcome! Yes, it will definitely pass. Whenever I look back on some tough times in my life, I remember that I’m here and those moments are not. Just a reminder that everything has its season. ☺️ Hope you enjoy your evening!

        Liked by 1 person

  12. My condolences. The loss of a parent has a way of sucking your breath away, while kicking you in the teeth. Be nice to yourself. Eat nice foods. Make lists of achievable goals…and reward yourself as they are achieved. Make room for beauty in the day to day. Give yourself flowers. Consider some of the exercises set out in “The Artist’s Way.” They hold the potential of giving you back to yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Those are nice suggestions. Thank you. Yes, nature has a way of influencing the moods in ways nothing else can, really. And good point about the flowers. I may get myself some more for the front garden tomorrow. 🙂

      I will look into The Artist’s way.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m fortunate not to live in a bubble. I should clarify with the use of a semicolon; this is by choice. Mine. What if I say something that is true but sounds rude or obnoxious, will you block me? No. Okay, so here goes … never feel obligated to justify yourself. Never even waste a thought on contemplating trying to justify yourself. And, sometimes, you just need to tell yourself to “Fuck Right Off” until you feel better about nothing. This is the magic of my Self-Love. I’ve just proved it works. See, you didn’t block me. And, I was kinda rude. I’m still here. 😇

    Liked by 1 person

  14. What you’re going through is perfectly understandable. I think a lot of people feel like their lives have been put on hold. And while I know it sounds trite, this too shall pass. Try to take pleasure in the down time… and beautiful barbecues. That looked delicious!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Claudette, this has to be a really difficult time, after the death of your dad and with so little changed in the world right now. Maybe it’s okay not to do anything for now, and certainly not to be nagging at yourself for not feeling motivated. Who says you have to do anything at all right now… Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I feel your pain. My dad was given a Stage 4 Cancer diagnosis in April. Some days I have no motivation to do anything. I’m trying to show myself the kindness and patience I would to a friend, but it’s not always easy. So I say eat the chocolate and drink the wine on those days and get active on the days you feel inclined and just let yourself go through this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! Exactly. Forgiving yourself during the unproductive days is just what is needed at times. Easier said than done, but it is what it is.

      I’m so sorry to hear about the diagnosis. I understand…wishing you all the best in the coming days, weeks and months ahead.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I know I’m wildly missing the point but you appear to have a magic barbecue because there are sausages in the ‘after’ picture but not in the ‘before’ picture. A magic sausage making barbecue would cheer me up immensely…

    Liked by 4 people

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