Derailment – the purpose

This is the continuation of Derailment – the abyss (part i).

part ii

As I’m climbing out of my pit, I ponder about my purpose in this life.

It’s a question I keep coming back to. (Never mind that some friends regularly beat me over the head with it.)

Maybe my pre-pandemic experiences in the past couple of years were like an awakening. An inherent reorganizing of personal priorities which shifted the focus away from the role-playing, middle-aged wife and mom, toward something…different.

But what was different?

While propelling forward, and away, from house and hearth when the kids turned into teenagers, I discovered I was more than just a sum of all the usual parts (babysitter + maid + cook + chauffeur + homework supervisor + bla bla bla = mom).

The new(er) individual that emerged realized something: she isn’t as needed as she thought she was, and, she doesn’t give a fuck nearly as often as she used to about most things.

I suddenly felt more…authentic. Can I say this?

I was molting, shedding a skin that no longer fit.

I have to admit though, I didn’t travel the chosen path I encountered at the fork in the road for very long. The pandemic interrupted me. But, I did meet several people, mostly virtually, who helped me find [part of] myself along the way. Some of them are geographically far away, others relatively close, but all of them played an integral part in sculpting me into the person I am still striving to become.

I was well on my way of discovering a new me, with flourishing confidence and courage, ready to take the bull by its horns (so to speak) when this pandemic forced my progress to a screeching halt.

Now I’m sitting on my sofa with a soothing camomile tea, I ponder what’s next. And again, I’m drawn back to the question:

What is my purpose?

to be continued…

15 thoughts on “Derailment – the purpose

  1. What’s my purpose? The frequent internal investigation had no satisfactory response.
    Reading books that were my best counselors I found to stop looking at me and look to the needs of others.
    Proceeding to help and do with small actions that others were happier was an excellent path. That way my serenity returned, I found my purpose.


  2. Maybe the realisation is that the mother/cleaner/carer is a part you play, and that Shakespeare got it right about us each playing many parts throughout our lives. You’re just working on a sequel at the moment πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is my experience, although tainted by my very regimented work history, that every change in direction is rooted in a change of lifestyle, be it gastronomical, entertainment, health….does not matter, and all of those are rooted in a financial change. This change is the hardest to make, and usually reverts us back to our comfort zone. The question becomes: Do I take that risk in a financial change so that I can make the needed changes in my lifestyle? That is your Y, your fork in the road.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It is a matter of who we chose to listen to and what we chose to believe as we remake parts of ourself. We can’t buy into all the pies because that would make us mad at the the piece we weren’t getting each day. We have to see what is real and what is fiction.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I needed to read parts 1 and 2 to comment. It’s a hard time to be going through a transformation because everything is so unsettling and our lives have been claimed by others – governments, police, the medicos, politicians. If you could shelve those feelings and impulses for a few months, maybe you can tap into them again and allow yourself to travel somewhere new? I understand what you’re feeling anyway. xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It really has! I have so many unfinished posts and half written notes and pieces I worry about publishing in case I offend someone…
        The processing is a necessary evil in some ways I think. I find it pretty painful at times. Hope things improve for you soon.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I learned to let go a little with the perceived judgements. It’s not perfect, but I’m working on it.

        I understand what you’re saying. Keep writing even if you don’t publish. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

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