I can feel it coming, the depression. It’s creeping in. Taking hold, slowly, cell by cell.
I try to figure out the source and stop the flow but I don’t know what it is – Genetics? Seasonal changes? Hormones?
Let’s blame hormones. 🙄
The weather isn’t at fault; it couldn’t have been nicer. Perfect, warm and sunny during the day, cooler and crisp at night. Not so cold that I have to dress in layers, yet.
It was fun with the 13 pound pooch today on my daily walk even though he was full of beans and attitude when I first got there. 😛 We walked down to the lake and took in the many big waves. Lake Ontario almost looked like the ocean.
But even the boisterous and entertaining dog walks come to an end every day.
I need a change in focus.
I need a change in dwelling, too. This house is driving me effen crazy. I never wanted to live here to begin with…
Ugh. Don’t get me started.
My saving grace, I think, is the fact that I have time to myself to dedicate to my craft during the morning hours, when the family is at work and school. Except…it’s inconsistent. Last week I literally had only two mornings of about 3 hours each to dedicate to writing.
Not writing makes me grumpy, sad, anxious, depressed.
And I don’t mean blogging. I can do blogging anytime I want to. At the rink, in the car, at home, outside, inside…
By writing I mean something that I can send someplace where they will fall over from gratefulness and send me a bucket full of money. You now, so I can buy milk for the children. And pasta and pizza and chips and pastry and chocolate and meat. So much freaking meat.
But also wine for me.
I wrote this blog post while the chicken and sweet potatoes are in the oven roasting, with both kids home. The younger one is doing homework plugged into my macbook with a headset on. She always has homework. The older one, the highschool kid, he’s crashed on the couch in front of the big screen tv, where my office is during his absence, binge watching Grand Tour on Netflix. He never has homework. He brought home two tests last week, both As, so what can I say? I can’t say anything.
But the loud noises from the tv are distracting me, making me wish I could go out for a bit. But I’m trapped in the house because a kid has practice later and they need dinner before leaving…
As of 3 pm my life is all about them. No wonder I like going to bed early. It’s one place where I’m mostly left alone.
But not tonight. Tonight I’ll either be at a rink or at a grocery store. Practices are kind of repetitive to watch, so maybe I’ll go back to the store. Gotta load up on pastries again, since I ate them all today to ward off depression.